Already got asked if we're dating
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
