If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
