Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
