Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize