two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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