Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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