got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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