my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
