You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
