a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
This toilet bowl is my home.
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