Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
