proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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