so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
