i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize