You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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