we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
