3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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