I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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