i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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