I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love you. Go after that dick
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
