My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
