We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
