I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
