Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Life is so much better after having sex.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
