First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
