I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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