Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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