So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
