if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
