Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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