Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
