He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
