How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A bitchslap is in order.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
