peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
