No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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