i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
