first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize