Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
