I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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