I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
