I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
