when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
