I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
