dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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