Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
