paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize