the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
