My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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