im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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