Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
