JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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