one two three fourrrrnication!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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