i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
