there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
