we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
