my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
