You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
