Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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