2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
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