This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize