I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
