Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
