is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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