I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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