Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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