I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Bring me that man meat
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
