well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
